The New Beatitudes

Blessed are the poor: for they have the chance to overcome an unregulated free market.

Blessed are those who mourn: for they shall be indifferently pitied.

Blessed are the meek & self-loathing: for they shall forget they are made in God’s image.

Blessed are those who hunger & thirst after righteousness: gullibility is delectable.

Blessed are the merciful: their error will be corrected by the strong & cunning.

Blessed are the pure in heart: may they never see the truth of man.

Blessed are the peacemakers: may they die before realizing its transience.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: they shall not be called happy til they die.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you & falsely say all kinds of evil against you: they help you carry your cross hoping you’ll be crucified on it.